Why Traditional Self-Help Isn’t Working (And What a Therapist in Wakefield, MA Can Offer Instead)
You’ve Tried Self-Help — So Why Do You Still Feel Stuck?
Ready to go beyond self-help and into something more individualized and effective? Reach out to a therapist in Wakefield for more.
It can feel really discouraging to work hard at something and not get the results you hoped to experience. This is true for practicing an instrument, learning a language, weight management and definitely true for emotions as well. Maybe you have tried books or meditation apps. Perhaps you have downloaded so many podcasts about anxiety, relationships, insomnia or loneliness that you almost feel like an academic expert…yet you are still struggling with some of the familiar, fundamental concerns that leave you unfulfilled.
People often come to me with some variation of knowing what they want to change and feeling like they know what to do but they just can’t get themselves to do it. So then they beat themselves up about it, often blaming themselves for being lazy, stupid, hypocritical or some other undesirable trait.
Self-help tools can be fantastic in many areas of life, but they are not always enough. When it works, it can be fantastic and accessible, but sometimes it falls short and something more is needed.
The Limits of Self-Help: Why It Doesn’t Always Stick
A few challenges come to mind when I think about why self-help can fall short. I want to be careful and be very clear that self-help is not all bad! In fact, much of it is excellent, however, it can certainly fall short. When it falls short, I find that people blame themselves a lot, rather than blaming the fit between themself and the self-help tool. I find that usually there is a poor fit, and sometimes, there is also a faulty tool.
So what do I think of when I consider why self-help doesn’t work sometimes? Here are some themes I have seen in my years of working as a therapist to help pick up where self-help leaves off:
It is meant for a broad audience
This is exactly what self-help is meant to do…reach a broad audience. Yet in so doing, the messages can become very general and are very far from personalized. Even if the audience is more narrow than the general public, perhaps being focused on new mothers or on caring for individuals with Alzheimer’s disease or on young engineers, this is still a really broad audience. The tool might not actually be speaking to you as specifically as you would like and messages may be somewhat watered down as a result.
It doesn’t know your personal history
Do you have a history of childhood trauma? Did you lose a parent at a young age? Do you have an invisible disability? These kinds of experiences, which are not visible to others, are also not visible to the person providing the self-help product. Yet these experiences may be incredibly formative to your worldviews and are likely influencing the challenges you are having making the changes you want to see in your life. These attributes absolutely do not need to limit you, but self-help may leave them out, which might leave you stuck.
It gives you freedom to incorporate without feedback
We are all guilty of some level of a salad bar approach when we encounter feedback of any kind…where we take what we prefer and leave what doesn’t interest us. While this is a great way to personalize feedback and to integrate self-help, sometimes we need feedback on the things we are piling on our plate and need to reconsider what we leave on the salad bar. We might be hesitant to try something new, yet that thing may be what really makes the difference. Without feedback, you might be missing some of the best tools the self-help is offering.
It feels like the answer
Very compelling self-help tools can really hold a strong power over us, where we feel like someone else had finally cracked the code on something and all we need is their solution. This is partly because some real wisdom exists and self-help, partly because it does indeed work for some people at times and partly because of marketing. Marketing can convince us we have a deficit we were never even bothered by in the first place, and lo and behold their product is the answer. Getting caught up in the idea a self-help tool will be the total answer can be a bit of a trap.
It can be overwhelming
Sometimes, it can feel like there is too much help offered, like you have to completely overhaul your life or like you need to change so many darn things. This can create a deer-in-headlights feeling, where even though everything sounds good you are paralyzed by all that there is to do. You might not know where to start or how to prioritize everything suggested, and this could lead you to struggle to even start to make change.
You can end up feeling worse
As noted above, sometimes the struggle with implementing the desired changes can lead to cycles of self-blame. If all you are provided with are opportunities and yet you don’t feel better or make the recommended changes, it is really easy and natural to blame yourself. This doesn’t help you though, and is likely to actually leave you even more stuck than you started. It can be really hard to notice when this is happening and hard to get to a place where you believe in yourself and your ability to make change.
Struggling Isn’t a Mindset Problem — You Are More Multi-Dimensional Than That
A lot of self-help focuses on mindset changes, but that is just one entry point to make change. In the therapy world, we talk about that as “cognitive changes,” that is, making changes in thinking patterns. Sometimes, this is incredibly helpful and can really loosen stuck areas, but it doesn’t always work. Sometimes thoughts are so powerful and intrusive they really don’t allow themselves to be changed and we need to handle them differently. Some people simply struggle with thought change as a strategy for change and that is okay, there are a lot of other ways to make change!
For some people, they will have better outcomes if they change their behaviors, then they find their thoughts follow naturally. Others do really well with what we call somatic approaches, which really integrate mind and body experiences. Some need to connect with nature, others with relationships and still others benefit from more time alone. What matters is that you work to find what works for you as an individual. What is suggested in self-help is only one way, and it may be a helpful way, but we all need different things to meet different needs.
This is where therapy can begin to help…by picking up where self-help leaves off and helping you determine what else you need to move forward into the life you want to live.
What a Therapist in Wakefield Can Offer That Self-Help Can’t
Sometimes, therapy is perceived as just another place where you might be told what to do. Or on the flip side, as somewhere you go to vent about your problems and hope you reach some sort of revelation. Not quite! Well, therapy might be like that with some therapists, but not the majority of the time, and if you are not getting your needs met, I do suggest that you find a new therapist.
Therapy is an active process that is designed to be incredibly supportive to you while also gently challenging you to make the changes you want to see in your life. While a therapist can be a sound board, a therapist can also point out patterns and blind spots that could allow you to see a new path forward. Therapists don’t give tons of advice on the regular, however, we do like to teach people about strategies we know that work and give different perspectives based on our experience and training. After all, we aren’t simply a new perspective, we offer a new and highly trained and experienced perspective.
As a therapist in Wakefield, I work with everyone who comes to me in a holistic and comprehensive manner. I review what everyone has tried already on their own, as I trust that people have been trying really hard before they start therapy. If you have tried self-help, we will be sure to honor what works and also explore where you feel there is still a gap. We will try different approaches to learn what works best. I am deeply committed to providing therapy that works, which may look different from person-to-person depending on your current life, earlier life events, your values and your needs.
From Self-Help Fatigue to Sustainable Healing
You might start therapy feeling a bit burnt-out on helping yourself and feeling fatigued from trying all the different approaches you heard about on your own. You might almost feel like someone who has been serial-dieting…trying something new that sounds like it really makes sense, making a bit of progress, then finding that it’s really hard to sustain or just doesn’t fir your lifestyle.
I encourage you to keep trying though, as you deserve the changes you want to see. You deserve healing, whatever that means to you. After participating in therapy, you can experience less guilt, more freedom of thought, more satisfaction in your relationships and a better outlook for your future. You may sleep better and simply feel like a version of yourself you find easier to love.
I encourage you to think about what changes you really hope to see in your life. What would be different for you if life was more fulfilling. Do you feel like you know how to make those changes on your own? If not, it is okay to use community and use therapy for guidance. You deserve it.
Ready for a Different Kind of Support Than Self-Help Has Provided?
A Therapist in Wakefield Is Here to Help
Therapy is about supporting you where you are and helping you to keep moving forward. If self-help has provided you with some helpful strategies and yet you are still feeling stuck, consider therapy. It may be time for something deeper, more individualized and more comprehensive.
As a therapist in Wakefield, I help overwhelmed young adults and adults move beyond burnout, anxiety, and self-help fatigue — and toward real, lasting change. Whether you're looking for in-person sessions in Wakefield or online therapy in Massachusetts, Vermont, or Connecticut, I’m here to support you.
Reach out today to schedule a free consultation — let’s talk about what you need, and how therapy can help.